*Sigh* May 25, 2017

I feel strung out. And tired. And overwhelmed?

But there’s only 4.5 weeks left in the semester. And then I graduate. Which should be wicked exciting, but is almost more terrifying? What if I can’t find a job and what if I can’t pay my bills and what if, what if, what if?

Not One Time Was I Forgotten June 9, 2016

My life is totally surreal right now. I know no other way to describe it.

I’m in grad school – I just finished my second semester, and am taking one summer class right now, which I’m about halfway through with. We meet three times a week (Tuesday – Thursday) for 3 hours, and we’ll do that for five weeks (but only two more weeks after tonight!)

Last semester, I submitted my paper to the Interdisciplinary journal of my school and was asked to present my paper at their conference, because I ended up in the running for best paper. I didn’t win, but what great practice!!

Then, just as the summer started, one of my professors contacted me to ask if I would like to work with her to edit the paper I wrote for her class, and then present it on a panel with her at like a REALLY huge conference!!! :0 I HATE public speaking, but I’m committed to accepting ways to stretch myself and live at the edges of my comfort zone. Plus, I mean, what a freakin’ honor!! This professor is the Dean of the department I’m getting my masters in, and she’s hilarious. I’m so excited to work more closely with her!

ALSO: another professor I’ve had before, but not since the Fall 2015 semester, was granted permission to hire a graduate assistant to help organize (and I think lead) workshops for undergraduate students about being a graduate student. And she asked me!! And it’s a paid position. And it’s just for the summer.

Even typing this, I’m sitting here stunned at what the Lord is doing in my life. I almost made an Instagram post about it. It was going to say something along the lines of: The Lord is making it rain in my life! But I couldn’t find a good photo to go with it. Also, I feel like I need to wait to put anymore ‘humble brags’ (or not-so-humble) up there.

It just feels like such a dramatic change from where I felt like I was sitting for four years – watching everyone else get to live their lives, and feeling stuck,stuck, STUCK where I was planted. I tried to pry open or explode a few doors of my own, but Jesus is even more stubborn than I am, and He had a plan that required PERFECT TIMING! Imagine that. I don’t think there was ever a point, especially as more and more time went on, where I wasn’t wrestling with Him over the circumstances of my life. There were dark days, and of course there were happy days, too; I didn’t hate EVERYTHING about the season I was in – I was just ready for it to be over. And I would see all of my friends moving forward, sometimes literally moving away, and the struggle to keep my heart open intensified every time. Where are you God? Why can’t I move on, too? Help me. Help. What are you doing? Why have you forgotten me?

And He doesn’t begrudge me those questions. He understands my heart better than I do. But He’s infinitely better than I am. And He’s REALLY GOOD at the long game 🙂

I don’t know if I’m preaching to myself, or if someone will stumble on this and it’ll be just what they need to hear, but either way, God is good. And He’s got you. All the time. Everywhere. Not one time have you been forgotten. He’s not passing you by. You are of infinite importance to Him. You are loved beyond limits. Your time is coming. He knows what He is doing.

An Actual Freaking Update February 25, 2016

I started my last entry in December, freaking out about the last few days of the semester. In case it’s not obvious, I made it through (my sanity barely in tact – actually, I shouldn’t joke about that. I was super stressed, but not actually going crazy). I made it through with straight As!! Miracle of miracles, y’all! Straight As! A four point oh. I’m still shocked. And beyond pleased. I’m hoping I can pull it out again, but we’ll see.

I’m taking a Chaucer class, where we have to read it in Middle English (which is practically another language). And write these things called Critical Inquiries. Umm… I feel terrible at them. But it’s all about learning a new skill. And she really liked one I turned in last week. I’m not as sure about the one I turned in for this week. But we’ll see. We’ll see. I just take it one step at a time.

I’m also taking Intro to Grad Studies, which is basically a class about learning to research. So I have two projects to do in that class. My larger one is based around Harry Potter (and my love of Draco Malfoy), and my smaller one is (at least for now) based around Little Women and Louisa May Alcott.

The last class I’m taking is an online class, for only one credit, based on Shakespeare’s First Folio. For those of you who don’t know, the Folger Shakespeare Library is putting some of their first folios on tour; they are coming to my city in June. Technically part of this class is setting me up to be ready to be a docent, but if I’m honest, that’s never going to happen. I can imagine few things I want in life less than I want to be a docent.

I’m sitting in on a class my favorite professor is teaching (she also happens to be my advisor). It’s a Popular Literature class; so far we’ve read Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone, and we’re working on The Hunger Games now. I adore that she asked me to sit in on the class and feels like I contributed to the syllabus.

Other reasons I adore this professor:

1. I usually sit and do my homework at a table in the same hallway where her office is located (in the English building). She didn’t see me come in the other day, but when she walked out of her office, she was delighted to see me. She came over and sat at my table and we talked Pride and Prejudice and Zombies for an hour.
2. She seems to almost effortlessly calm my rioting emotions. Because grad school is a fairly high-stress environment, coupled with the fact that I struggle with sharp hormonal swings, I’m left feeling varying levels of emotionally crazy, in cycles throughout the semester. But, if I take the time and actually talk to this professor, she’s a great help in making me see that I can do this, that I AM doing this.
3. She made sure that when the English honors group she chairs was invited to her house for dinner, at the end of last semester, that I was invited as well, even though I’d only been to a couple of meetings/events. We ended up on the same trivia team that night, and she’s hilarious!
4. She’s letting me sit in on her Popular Lit class this semester (she even offered to let me take it as an independent study so I could get credit for it!). She claims I helped her with the syllabus, but really I just made a bunch of suggestions on books for her to read and lent her copies of some of my books. I think she’s giving me entirely too much credit 🙂
5. She invited me to an invitation only class on Shakespeare’s First Folio.
6. She made sure I knew about a Jane Austen class she is teaching this summer! I’m excited to take it, even if it is a 3 hour class, 3 days a week, for 5 weeks 🙂
7. She invited me to look into a book worship that Texas A&M puts on every year. It’s a week-long event where you learn about the history of book-making and actually make your own paper, set the type, and take part in printing your own book! I love that she thought of me. She thinks it’s too late to participate in this year, but wants me to think about doing it with her next year.
8. I saw her yesterday, after missing her class because I was sick, and she sat and talked with me for quite some time. Of her own volition she came and sat at my table; it’s one of my favorite things – going into her office is fun, but I like that she seems to want to talk to me.
9. She is going to see the Folger exhibit at K State (in Manhattan Kansas) and invited anyone from our First Folio class to go with her. How kind is that?

 

I’ve made a newish friend this semester (well, a couple of them actually – y’all would be so proud of me!). I had a class with her last semester, and two this semester. Anyway, we were walking out of one of our classes yesterday, and back to our cars, and talking about the class we had together last year. We noticed that both last semester, and for one of our shared classes this semester, we feel like we have LITERALLY no idea what we’re supposed to be doing. But she said something to me that was astonishing (and this is a quote): “Last semester, I always thought, ‘Man, Sydney really has her shit together.'” I laughed so hard, because I really don’t. But I love that other people think it, and that my total confusion and sometimes panic don’t come across.

 

Alright, that’s enough of an update for now. Hopefully it won’t be too long until the next one!

 

 

February 18, 2016

Grad School Updates:

1. It’s my last week of classes. Today is actually my last class! I thought about skipping it, though, in order to get all of my work done. I’ll probably end up going, though, because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t.
2. I have two huge papers due on Monday – I’ve drafted one of them.  Well, I’ve drafted both of them, but the second draft was a much shorter version than the final has to be. This weekend is going to be hellish for me.

Friend updates:

1. I dog sat for my new friend over Thanksgiving.

Ummm… I love this post too much to get rid of it, even though it’s woefully out-of-date. So, I shall post it, and get on with giving you a read update.

In Which I Peek My Head Out of Hibernation October 29, 2015

This post was started over a month ago – I’ve made it through most of the things I was stressing out about in the Grad School portion, and my new friend that I talk about at the end, is still very much my friend. I’ll start writing a new update 🙂

So, I’m back. At least tentatively. I make no promises, as they’ve never done me any good on here, anyway. Also, there have been so many updates to this website that I barely know how to use it anymore. It’s practically a miracle that I was able to figure out how to create a new post. Thank your lucky stars – I know you’re excited!

Things I’m Learning about Grad School:

1. Grad school is hard. I mean, theoretically, I knew this to be true, but it’s HARD. And I question myself all the time because of it. Am I smart enough? Can I really do this? Can I even read fast enough for this?  Note to self: nine credits was a ludicrous decision. Maybe don’t ever take 9 grad school credits at one time again. I’m literally at the point in the semester where I’m prioritizing readings. And yesterday I skipped class to try to get caught up. I wasn’t exactly successful. I did read quite a bit, but didn’t get quite caught up.
2. I think part of the reason I’m questioning myself about my grad school decision is because none of my classes are within my concentration. And also I took a class on Postmodernism to get out of my Critical Theory class.  I went to the Critical Theory class the first day and understood not one single word of what he said the entire 75 minutes of class. So I switched out of it and into a class by a professor I love. But I didn’t realize at the time how much I loathed postmodernism. I actually like rules and believe there should be plots to stories. And it’s just overall, not my jam. I want to be an editor. Preferably of not post-modern stuff. I like young adult literature. Tristram Shandy, which I’m currently reading, might just be the death of me.
3. I also took a Rhetoric class. Oh, God. Someone please maim me if I try to do another one. It’s interesting, in a way, but there’s SO MUCH READING and SO MUCH RESEARCH we’re supposed to be doing. And not time enough to do both. So I’ve taken to researching rather than reading, but at least I can sort of fake the reading portion of it. I’m supposed to create a critical casebook this weekend of my primary documents for my project. I also have to include headnotes for these documents. It’s supposed to help me with writing my first draft of my paper, but it’s really just stressing me out.
4. Because I also have a paper due in my Postmodernism and the Enlightenment class. I must read this paper to the class. I haven’t quite finished the book, and I haven’t started the research for the paper, at all.  Granted, it’s not due until a week from Monday, but I have to be able to have time to figure out what I’m going to write about. I think something to do with light and dark in the book, and the fact that for most of it Edgar can’t see? It’s sounds really good in my head, but when I try to express it, it just sounds dreadful and utterly silly.

Things I’m learning about Friendship:

1. New friends are fun!  I mean, yes, I knew this before, but I’m learning it again with a new friend. She’s hilarious and just a little bit aloof. We were joking the other day about my desire to not commit to coming to events (she’s trying to recruit me for a group on campus). She ended up saying that I was being like a ‘rakish boy’ and I almost died. I really do love that description, though. It felt very appropriate. Why commit to coming to something, when I can just show up (if I feel like it?)

April 10, 2015

I found this draft post and thought it might be fun/interesting to fill out again. It can be a catch up of my life the past 2 years; I’ve updated most questions to be about this year:

1: What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? I went back to school! I’ve completed my bachelor’s degree, but decided to go for my Masters.  I’ve been accepted to grad school, starting Fall 2015!!!! I’m over the moon excited and want to be an editor, so I’m getting a Masters in English.
2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? For the past couple of years, I have been doing a word for the year, instead of resolutions; I think I’ve done well this year.  My word was ‘Brave’.  This year, my word feels like ‘Blossom’.  Big changes are coming my way and I’m trying to embrace them with everything I am.
3: Did anyone close to you give birth? I can’t think of anyone who gave birth last year, but if you did, please don’t feel overlooked by me.  This has been a REALLY long work week and I’m running on about 10% brain capacity.
4: Did anyone close to you die? No
5: What countries did you visit? None 😦 But I’m making a return visit to Virginia this summer for my cousin’s wedding.  I miss the East Coast more than words can say, so I’m really looking forward to it!
6: What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014? A solid positive feeling towards community.
7: What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? (1) the span of time I drove to UMKC to meet my professor and ask for a recommendation.  I haven’t been that nervous in a long time! But she said yes! (2) Feb. 27 – I was rejected from grad school the first time I applied; that’s when the rubber met the road and I had to truly decide that grad school was what I wanted and keep going for it in the face of not getting what I wanted the first time I asked for it. August: I had a dream I gave birth to a baby and named her Harper (for HarperCollins). When I woke up, I looked up the meaning of harper and it means, pleasant or brave. I can’t tell you how fitting that dream was for me and how much it bolstered my heart.
8: What was your biggest achievement of the year? Completing the last class I needed to beef up my English credits for grad school.
9: What was your biggest failure? not appreciating the season I was in
10: Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a bout with sciatica at the end of the year – it’s mostly cleared up now

11: What was the best thing you bought? a new set of harry potter books that are GORGEOUS!
14: Where did most of your money go? credit card payments; health insurance; or books, probably books is more accurate
15: What did you get really, really, really excited about? starting my last English class
16: What song will always remind you of 2014? I have no idea.
17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? Happier, definitely; thinner, by about 18 pounds; richer – I’m trying to be wiser with my spending.
18: What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I had had more heart to hearts with people. I wish I had told more people what they meant to me.
19: What do you wish you’d done less of? complaining and assuming.
20: How did you spend Christmas? with my family
21: Did you fall in love in 2014? nope, well, maybe with the idea of my dream baby, Harper.

22: What was your favourite TV program? Once Upon a Time, I think.
23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope.
24: What was the best book you read? I don’t know that I can say the BEST book, but here are some I enjoyed: Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn – kind of dark subject matter, it’s a mystery; Angry Conversations with God – Susan Isaacs – a funny memoir; the Shatter Me series – Tahereh Mafi; The Book Theif – Markus Zusak – the narration takes a little getting used to, but it totally worth it.  This book has sad moments; Becoming Myself – Stasi Eldredge
25: What was your greatest musical discovery? Amy Lingamfelter
26: What did you want and get? lots of things; a bookcase chief among them
27: What did you want and not get? a new passport
28: What was your favourite film of this year? Noah, I think.
29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I made art for other people.
30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014? I don’t know what this means. Jeans and t-shirts? Sneakers. I’m trying to break out my flats again.
31: What kept you sane? coffee.  Harry Potter. Jesus.  (I shall leave this answer the same)
32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fancy as in have a crush on?  That’s weird.  Fancy as in think they are awesome?  Emma Watson

33. What issue stirred you the most? Mental health; Christian feminism
34: Who did you miss? all my friends who’ve moved to different states.
35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014. God’s timing really is perfect. It’s hard when you don’t get things that you want, when you want them, but it’s also beautiful when things happen in His timing.

My Thoughts on Noah (mostly spoiler free) April 2, 2014

I saw the movie Noah this past weekend.  I really, genuinely liked it a lot.  It’s possible I should move that into ‘love’ territory. The acting was BEAUTIFUL, and I thought a lot of really great questions came up.  I do know a handful of people who went into see it with the expectation that it would follow the Biblical narrative exactly; I’m still unsure why they thought this, as the director, Darren Aronofsky specifically stated it was not the Biblical narrative.  However, I didn’t find too many details that specifically went against what is stated in the Bible.  I thought Aronofsky did a wonderful job of exploring the possibilities between the lines of the story as it’s written in the Bible.

Aronofsky had a REALLY intriguing take on the Nephilim (they were called The Watchers in the movie). I thought Emma Watson shone in this movie – there’s a scene near the end where her acting is almost painful it’s so well done (I’m a bit of an Emma Watson fan, though, so I may be slightly biased there); I thought she totally held her own against the much bigger name actors, Russell Crowe and Jennifer Connelly.  The depiction of evil in the wicked city was spot on.  The movie equated eating meat with evil men, which could be in line with the Bible – most scholars believe people didn’t start eating meat with God’s permission until after the Flood (so ostensibly, before the Flood, eating meat would have been a sin). I am unsure if I was reading into the scene where Noah encounters the wicked city, or not, but it seemed like men were even selling women for food, which takes the evil to an entirely different level.

I enjoyed the scenes on the ark the most.  I thought the animals were handled with care.  In my mind the animals were always kept in cages on the ark; however, Aronofsky’s proposed solution seems like wisdom. And it’s obvious he put some thought into what it would have been like.

The movie portrays the wicked men as fighting against Noah to get on the ark.  I had never really thought about what it must have been like for every single other person on the earth.  There was a particularly powerful scene after the flood waters rise and before everyone drowns, with the people outside the ark screaming in fear, as they cling to the mountains to keep from being washed away in the flood. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for Noah.  How much he must have questioned himself and what he heard from God.  I thought the movie explored the question of how you hear from God and how you deal with what you hear from God in such a beautiful way.  Hearing from Him can be difficult; Noah’s resoluteness is to be admired, even though in the movie, he takes it overboard.  But again, I know people in real life who have a calling from the Lord that they have taken too far.

There were points in the movie when I wanted to shake Noah and be like, “God isn’t like that!!!!” But then I remembered that he didn’t have the benefit of knowing Jesus.  He knew God, but not in the way we do today.  In his day, Jesus hadn’t yet drawn near, hadn’t yet clothed himself in humanity to make God the Father known in the flesh.  His experience with God was vastly different than my own (not to mention the differences in the worlds we live in).  The massive amount of guilt Noah must have carried around was exquisitely portrayed by Russell Crowe, in both the craziness on the ark, and the drinking scene near the end (where two of his sons cover up his nakedness, while the other looks on).  Aronofsky’s take on that particular scene really drew together Noah’s emotions.

There’s criticism that this movie has a fundamentally environmentally friendly message to it.  First of all, I would say, what’s wrong with being environmentally friendly?  Secondly, while I did notice this message, there were only a couple of points where I felt like this was being pushed in my face. And those moments didn’t take away from the overall positive experience I had with the movie.

For me, one of the down sides was a weird strain of magic that seemed to be passed down in Noah’s line.  There were about three scenes where it occurred, and I didn’t really see the point of it.

There were twp places I saw where Aronofsky took artistic license and directly contradicted the Bible: 1) the ages of the people in the movie/ the timeline under which the ark was built.  The Bible says Noah was 500, and the ark took 100 years to build.  The movie made Noah 60ish (maybe?), and the ark took 10 or so years to build (with the help of the Nephilim). 2) The marriage status of Noah’s sons. In the Bible, all of his sons had wives. In the movie, this isn’t true and becomes a source of tension.

Overall, I thought Aronofsky did a spectacular job with the story and I really enjoyed the movie.  I think he was smart with the choices he made and he made me think about many different things – the job of all good storytellers.  Do I think he got the whole thing right? No.  Do I think the changes he made the story offend God, or do Him a disservice? No. Do I think he made a terrific movie? Yes. Do I care more about the story of Noah now? Do I have more thoughts on it? Absolutely.  And really, what more can you ask for?

If you are interested in more information about where Aronofsky got some of his idea, the following article is one of the best I’ve seen: Noah, A Midrash

September 30, 2013

Ugh! I have so much to do.

I need to stay on top of things at work.

I need to prepare for my co-worker to leave our department.

I need to do my homework for school.

Preferably before Wednesday, so i can go see one of my professors during her office hours.

But I want to read for fun.

And watch TV.

And cut things out to put in my journal.

But all I  do is putz around on the internet.

 

I have no motivation because I am tired. And sad. And I’m trying to give myself permission to be sad.  Because my friends have moved/are moving today.  And it is a lot. 5 friends since march is a lot. Especially when one of those 5 is actually a family of 5. And it’s okay to be sad about that. And it’s okay to take a nap instead of doing homework. Because I run from the time I get up until the time I get home from my second job 13+ hours later. Having grace with yourself is hard, though. Being gentle, and kind, to myself is hard work.

September 23, 2013

I have a friend that I don’t know in real life.  But she’s one of my favorite people I’ve ever had the privilege to know. She’s an author and she writes amazing stories. Like achingly amazing stories. I’ve read her online stories for ages now, but just started befriending her earlier this year.  I send her online notes and encouragement and have been going back and reading her earlier stories and telling what I love about them.

I also send her random thoughts I’m having: I’m jealous of people who get to share a time zone with her, because they enjoy life with her even if they don’t know her.  She’s British, so she’s in a different time zone than I am.  One time I followed a little British car on the way to work and it made me think of her, so I told her all about it.

I made a post that said:

Other people have a gift for conciseness.

I have a gift of exuberant encouragement.

Did I mention that you’re freaking awesome

She responded to it and said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I freaked out because that’s literally an amazing thing to say.  I tweeted about it:

 

 

 

 

Then I also had this to say about it: HOLY. CRAP. This is potentially the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.  It is definitely my favorite. I, as well, wish you had a son, not only because he would be part of the coolest family EVER, but I am woefully single and your imaginary son is perfect for me 🙂

I think it really might be the nicest thing anyone was said to me.  She doesn’t even know me in real life, but it felt like she got me in that moment.  I messaged her about my intense love of this comment (I’m the top part, the bottom is her response):

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s my VERY favorite.  And I’m honored she wanted me to be a part of her family. Her response really made me see that I have a choice in the whole matter.  That sounds ridiculous, but as someone who has struggled with self-esteem, it can begin to feel like I’m just waiting for someone to choose me.  I read this message when I’m feeling down because having only spoken online, she wanted me to be a part of her family. HER FAMILY.  How awesome is that?

My new fondest wish is to have money and travel to her city and tell her I will be in a particular shop at a specific time and then she can come to the same place at the same time and we don’t even have to actually meet, but just to be in the same location with her would be enough for me.

I hope, when I am an editor one day, that I have people as awesome as her to work with!

Update. Also, I’m proud of myself. Hope you haven’t missed me too much! June 15, 2013

I have recently acquired a part-time job to help pay for some classes I’m taking in order to boost my grad school application.  Yes, that’s right.  I have decided to go back to school; I want to get my Masters in English and become an editor.  🙂 (Imagine me smiling REALLY big here, because the thought makes me excited and nervous!)

Anyway, back in February, I met with an advisor at the school I want to attend and he suggested I take four more English classes before applying, since my undergraduate degree was NOT in English.  I am taking one at the community college this summer and am hoping to take at least one at UMKC this Fall.  Then, I’ll be applying in January to start Fall 2014 as a full-time grad student!  Shocking, right?

Anyway, this part-time job, in addition to my other job, and the English class I’m taking this summer adds up to one busy girl.  Which means I haven’t had a free day in a long time, but I don’t have to work either of my jobs tomorrow!! So, in preparation for the massively unproductive day I plan to have tomorrow, I have been BEYOND productive today. I worked 5 hours this morning/afternoon, came home, cleaned out my car (including vacuuming and windows, inside and out), cleaned my room, changed my sheets, took a shower, watched my sister’s kids for two hours, did three loads of laundry, folded said laundry and put it away, straightened my hair (a last minute decision) and plucked my eyebrows (an even more last minute decision).  Then, I decided to come on here and brag about it, because I’m proud of myself.

It’s a big deal to be going back to school and I. Feel. Awesome!